WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
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*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself