i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
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Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
🖤✌🏽
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.