It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
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My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Selfie
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
inside you are two wolves
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die