When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
This headline is a thing of beauty
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.