Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
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If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
based al yankovic
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier