Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
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[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
u spoke cat all this time??????
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time