Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
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My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
This did not end as expected.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.