Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
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I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I want what they have
Mornin
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.