me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
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[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Taliband
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.