I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
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.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
me and the Superbowl rn
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.