Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
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Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Breaking news:
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.