*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
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“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
🖤✌🏽
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.