I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
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A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?