would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
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[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Alexa, make me look good naked.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[on my way back to the posting caves]
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes