Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
You Might Also Like
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Catercrombie & Fish
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Nothing.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*