[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
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I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
welp
FRED: right
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.