Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
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them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
My dad teaching me to drive
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!