Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
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These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
this is the greatest thing ever
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet