i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
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If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
stop
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]