I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
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If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
(Jupiter –
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I would give up shouting at trees for you.