date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
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ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
#polloftheday
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.