Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
You Might Also Like
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Order here:
More here:
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.