They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
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I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet