“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
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Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes