Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
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What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?