I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
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Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Buck naked
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit