Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
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i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
🙅🏻
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Breaking news:
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.