if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
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I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome