I have so many questions.
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Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?