History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
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PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.