[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
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A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
me doing my best
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box