@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
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My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.