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*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I didn’t realize that was an option
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
A ghost story
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.