“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
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Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
why isn’t he texting back
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
#polloftheday
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.