I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.