4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
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The Sun
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Rt to bother an English speaker
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)