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that wasn’t the question
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
No way!
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Raisins are grape jerky.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?