Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
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[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad