Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Haha good job!!
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement