*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
You Might Also Like
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
cat vs inanimate object
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined