Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
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If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Meow
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?