I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
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My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
somewhere, in an alternate universe
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there