I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
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NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.