Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.