‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
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Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.