7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
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I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I think my mom just blocked me
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.