Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
You Might Also Like
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
this is literally a CIA plant
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously