Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
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I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
#oldknees
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Canadian owl: Eh?