I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
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I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Time for evil
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage