given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash
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Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon